Saturday, April 17, 2010

Ann Coulter is my Homegirl!

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately, more so than usual. Most of what I’m reading these days, interestingly enough, is Conservative non-fiction. Authors like Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly, and others. By far my favorite of these authors has been the left’s least favorite mouth, Ann Coulter.

Every liberal who read that (what are you doing here, anyway?) probably just threw up in their own mouths a little. Well, now that they’ve hastily clicked the close button on their browsers we can get on to business.

I’ve just been reading Ann’s book Godless: The Church of Liberalism, in which she rakes the so-called “non-religious” over the coals and puts forth a case that clearly shows the left is in fact religious. The catch is that their religion excludes the idea of a creator God. Yet it has all the trappings of a religion, nonetheless. It has its priests (public school teachers), it’s scripture (Roe v. Wade), it’s own personal Holy Sacrament (Abortion), and other such accouterments, all of which are explained in sassy, vivid detail in Miss Coulter’s tome.

One thing it seems to be missing, though, is it’s own Covenant. I intend to remedy that with this post. Thus, I give you, my gentle readers, the Ten Commandments of the Church of Liberalism.

1. There is no Lord, nor God. Thou Shalt not have any gods at all, lest thou be labeled a Right Wing nutjob and forever ostracized from appearing in Hollywood films.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of Cindy Sheehan in vain, for sobbing hysterical women have suffered losses and are therefore infallible in their holy judgment of America’s failings.

3. Thou shalt abort the unborn if thou deemest it necessary, even for the most inconsequential reasons, such as fitting into thy prom dress.

4. Cave in to thy children, even at the detriment of their upbringing by denying them boundaries, for so it is written, children hold wisdom beyond that of adults. (Especially conservative adults.)

5. Overpay thy public school teachers, for they will go to any lengths to keep thy children in school, including passionate kisses.

6. Thou shalt keep faith out of the classroom. (except when speaking of the Holy Darwin).

7. Thou shalt not punish criminals, especially violent ones, for the poor souls are not responsible for their actions, even in the face of mountains of evidence to the contrary.

8. Thou shalt not disprove the Holy Darwin’s theory of Natural Selection, for despite the fossil record providing no evidence, evolution is and will always be a fact, even when disproved by real science.

9. Thou shalt pay thine own fair share to others, even at the expense of thine own well being, whether thou wishest or no, and especially if thy neighbor does not work for a living, despite being perfectly capable.

10. Thou shalt disregard sanctity of any sort, including and especially the heretical practice known as “marriage”, for that institution is little more than a prison used to keep thine holy sisters imprisoned in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.

And yae, it is written, the holy (yet nonreligious) covenant of the Church of Liberalism. All who look upon this great work tremble and despair, for the god that does not exist in this faith hath spoken, and the disciples of the Holy Media shall shout the Word of Darwin from the mountaintop even though only a small percentage of nonreligious faithful listen with any sort of prolonged amount of attention!

And there you have it. The complete covenant. What? You say this isn’t a real covenant because the Creator didn’t issue it to me from atop the Sinai? You’re just saying that because you believe in God! Shut up, hater!